Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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