I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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