it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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