My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
You left your phone here
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