I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
