so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
