she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
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