is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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