Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
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