im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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