this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
Randomize
