I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
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