I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
