I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Randomize
