I cut my penus on the lid.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
