You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
