I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
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