i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Randomize
