At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
