She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Randomize
