I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Randomize
