Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
