Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
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