im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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