remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
