Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
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