just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
