So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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