he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Randomize
