Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
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