Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Randomize
