It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
