I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Randomize
