oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize
