when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
