Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
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