Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Randomize
