apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Randomize
