I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
