He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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