You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Randomize
