I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
