her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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