Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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