end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
where am i from again
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
I just want nice things and good sex
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Randomize