True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
