dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
Randomize
