Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
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