Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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