dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
