Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
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