Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Randomize
