a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
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